As I write this I realize I haven't posted in nearly a year, but I've started plenty of drafts. Second guessing those drafts and their purposes eventually made me not post them. But this one I've put a lot of thought into and is more or less a narrative of the past year to 18 months. It's a long one, so if you end up reading it, thank you, but it was more cathartic for me to just write it.
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I am a planner. I typically start my day by showering, making a double shot of Cuban espresso, reading a few Psalms, and a chapter of some other book. Then I sit down and think about what I need to do that day and put them in the order that's best to complete them. If that's how much planning I put into one day, imagine how much I've thought about careers and long term goals.
When it comes to big decisions it may take me a while to make the decision as to what I'm going to do, but once I've made the decision, it's made. That's my path and it now gets 100% of my effort and energy. It took me a long time to decide where to go for grad school. Did I want to go to seminary and pursue a Masters of Divinity or get a Masters of Education from another institution. Once I made the decision I went for it. Here I am a year later, one year of internship/classroom experience under my belt, teaching license in hand, degree almost complete (nothing left but the blasted thesis...) and plenty of contacts in the education industry, yet zero desire to be a teacher. Over the past year I battled with not only writing lesson plans on time and making sure I was prepared for the next day but wondering if I had made the right choice. I wonder sometimes should I have gone to seminary? Should I have gone right into ministry? Should I have kept working in the AV industry in Orlando?
I can't help but wonder why God pulled me towards education only for me to eventually arrive at the conclusion that it's not for me. It's like I made the decision, started running at 100% towards the goal of an M.Ed. and job as a teacher only to discover I've been running on a treadmill for the last year. Why?
I know one thing for sure was not a mistake. I proposed to the love of my life about a year ago and we're getting married in roughly 45 days. That was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the right decision. So for that alone, I do not regret coming up to Tennessee.
My favorite characters in the Bible are Timothy, Jeremiah, Josiah, and David, among others. Not only were they great men, but they were called to ministry early and succeeded in expanding God's Kingdom or leading them back to righteousness. The verse "do not let them despise you because you are young" is a constant refrain in the back of my head.
But God has a funny way of reminding me of other characters in the Bible; people like Moses, Abraham, and Zechariah (John the Baptizer's father). These men were not called to ministry until much later in life. Heck, Moses had to wait 40 years in the desert watching sheep before even being called to go back to pharaoh.
All of this leads me to the conclusion that maybe running on a treadmill isn't as pointless as it seems. After all, you're still exercising and being prepared for the next chapter where you may be running outside in the real world. Back to me being a planner, I know that God is also a planner. If you can even fathom how he crafted a story over nearly two millennia from Moses penning the pentateuch around 1600BC to John writing Revelation around 100AD it doesn't happen by accident or chance.
The frustrating part is that God more often likes to show me his mysterious side than his planner side. He likes to keep me guessing, wondering, and curious.
This isn't the first time God and I have had this issue. When I arrived at FCC/JUFL I had my heart set on youth ministry. But after 3 years and an internship in it, I arrived at the conclusion it wasn't the best fit for me. I could do it but it wouldn't be the best fit. So after much prayer and counsel from friends and mentors I set my sights on teaching. A year later, here we are. God's a funny guy.
At this point I am applying for AV ministry jobs across the country. About a month ago I made it to the third round of interviews at a church in Illinois. I feel certain that God will take care of Shayla and me. I have no doubt there. 2016 could be as much of an existential crisis as 2014-15 was, but I hope not. I hope I really have found the best fit to my skills, passions, and gifts. I hope I can expand the Kingdom wherever I am given the chance to and that the Kingdom can grow in me there as well. I pray that I can take care of Shayla and a new marriage. I pray I am not trying to be a Timothy when God wants me to be a Moses. I pray I don't plan God out of my daily life by structuring too many things and not allowing His Spirit to move.
