The Entropy of Love

"I love you" is not a foreign phrase that needs translating, it's not an obscure phrase that needs parsing, it's something children can understand, heck, it's something dogs can probably understand.  But the meaning those three words hold is profound.  The greatest love is "when a man lays down his life for a friend."  We can know love only by first being loved.  Think about that, you would have no idea what love is without your parents, friends, significant others, etc.  It's not something that is spontaneously generated out of nothingness.  We can only know true love by first knowing God's love.  If we don't express love, other people can't know what it is to be loved.  Marriage and family are two of the most fundamental generators of love.  So why do so many marriages that were passionate, exciting, and loving in the beginning fall apart?  Why do so many husbands and wives slowly drift apart and end up alone? (You can remain married and still be alone.)  It is because love is entropic in nature, meaning if it is not maintained it will slowly fall apart and disintegrate.

"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." -1 Jn. 4:10-11

The logical conclusion of being loved is to love others.  You know this, it isn't groundbreaking.  I was talking with a friend the other day and they asked me offhandedly how often Shayla and I say "I love you" to each other.  I thought about it for a bit and said probably somewhere around two dozen times a day.  He was surprised it was that high.  It's not something we really think about anymore, but it's the best short phrase to express a multitude of feelings and thoughts.

I began thinking, is it just a reaction, are they just filler words at this point, do we really mean it every time? So over the course of a couple weeks I thought about it every time I told Shayla I loved her.  Thankfully, I meant it every time, it was the best pithy phrase to express what I was feeling or thinking, and was more appropriate than writing a poem or something at the time.  I think, considering the state of the world, we are very blessed to be in a relationship that expresses this much love.

But just saying "I love you" daily is not enough.  Maybe it's enough for women expressing their love to the man in their life, but it definitely is not enough for most women.  This is not a knock on women, it's how they were designed.  That's why Paul reminds us "Husbands love your wives..." (Eph. 5:25) Through some trial and error and after much confusion, I've learned that Shayla (and truly, most women) have to be reminded of love--frequently.  Going back through old journals, text messages, notes, etc. I've found that Shayla feels most loved through little random things.  A poem, a goofy picture with a mushy caption, spending a little extra time together, a shoulder rub, things that cost me very little but mean the world to her.

Whenever I write her a letter now or buy her a cat yoga calendar (yes... they exist) and she feels all warm and fuzzy I've started telling her "marriage is about finding new ways to say 'I love you.'"  Breaking the monotony, being vulnerable, and most importantly expressing love in any way that it can be received is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship and the force that holds entropic love together.

Find a new way to tell your partner or someone you love them.  Don't let love fail and fall apart, it is a gift from God.

"And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother." -1 Jn. 4:21

What's in a Name?

Shayla and I's wedding day is quickly approaching and we're beyond excited!  One question that I keep asking is, "why are we doing this?"  Not "why are we getting married," I have never questioned that, but "why are we doing this part of the ceremony," "why do we have to do this part of the reception?"  "Is this particular thing an essential part to getting married or a frivolous expectation set by the culture in which we live?"

One of the things that we have evaluated by that question is "why does the bride change her name?"  Is this a cultural expectation that just goes back in history and we've forgotten its purpose?  Is it a display of our misogynistic society?  Is it an androcentric idea?

I was reminded of this when watching TV one afternoon and a couple was arguing about whether or not the bride should change her name.  This commercial has prompted this post, because I think it is something we have forgotten as a culture.  Changing a name is not a demarkation of property, it is a sign of a covenant.  For those of us who still believe marriage is a God given covenant, this is very important.

In order to understand the significance of any covenant we have to understand what a covenant is, and what it is not.  First, what it is:

• Bond or agreement between two people
• One person is primarily responsible for said covenant
• It is usually sealed in blood
• If one party breaks the covenantal agreement, the other party doesn't break it, but rather tries to restore the covenant.

This is different from a contract.  A covenant is not a contract, but our world is very comfortable with contracts, heck, I'm a contract worker for a lot of different jobs.  Here are some properties of a contractual relationship.

• Agreement between two parties
• Both parties are equally responsible
• Sealed by a signature or handshake
• If one breaks the contract the other party is no longer obligated to fulfill their end.

The differences are subtle but a covenant is not a contract.  Let's look at some examples of covenants.

Abraham and circumcision: God establishes Abraham as the father of his people and seals that covenant by male circumcision.  Needless to say, God is primarily responsible for this agreement as he is going to protect them, lead them, and provide for them.  The circumcision is only a mark of this agreement.  If Abraham breaks the agreement how does God handle it?  He doesn't just wipe his hands and walk away... he seeks earnestly to restore the covenant.  And then, there's the blood, when flesh is cut, it produces blood.

Jesus and the crucifixion: When Christ died on the cross, he sealed the new covenant that God has made with believers.  There was no shortage of blood, and God is definitely the one primarily responsible for this relationship. 

Marriage: In the Christian understanding, though the husband and wife are seen as equals, the husband is the one who is held responsible.  In the first marriage, when Adam and Eve sin, God does not call for Eve, even though she sinned first.  He is looking for Adam; why did he allow this to happen?  He was responsible for Eve's mistake as well as his own.  In Ephesians 5 this is outlined by Paul even more, the husband is the head of the wife, not as domineering tyrant, but loving provider.  (Shayla likes to remind me of the quote from My Big Fat Greek Wedding where the wife says "the husband may be the head, but the wife is the neck, she can turn the head any direction she wants.")  This does not mean he is a better person, nor any closer to Jesus, but he is the one responsible for the relationship.  Where is the blood?  There was an 18th and 19th century practice of hanging the bloodied honeymoon sheets outside the bedroom to show that the covenant had been sealed and the marriage consummated...  I'll leave it at that.

But there's one more thing, what's in a name?  Names show who you are, it's your identity, it's how people call you, identify you, and recognize you.  When God makes his covenant with Abram and Sarai he changes their names to Abraham and Sarah.  While God is changing Abram's name from "exalted father" to "father of a multitude" he's also subtly marking his name in Abram's by placing an "h" or "-ah" in it.  God places his name, or the shortened version of it, on Abram and Sarai to make their names AbrAHam and SarAH.  He is showing that he's responsible for them. The one responsible for the covenant gives their name. 

This is one reason why Shayla and I will continue this tradition, in recognition of our covenantal bond to God and each other through our marriage.  

God is a funny guy...

As I write this I realize I haven't posted in nearly a year, but I've started plenty of drafts.  Second guessing those drafts and their purposes eventually made me not post them.  But this one I've put a lot of thought into and is more or less a narrative of the past year to 18 months.  It's a long one, so if you end up reading it, thank you, but it was more cathartic for me to just write it.

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I am a planner.  I typically start my day by showering, making a double shot of Cuban espresso, reading a few Psalms, and a chapter of some other book.  Then I sit down and think about what I need to do that day and put them in the order that's best to complete them.  If that's how much planning I put into one day, imagine how much I've thought about careers and long term goals.

When it comes to big decisions it may take me a while to make the decision as to what I'm going to do, but once I've made the decision, it's made.  That's my path and it now gets 100% of my effort and energy.  It took me a long time to decide where to go for grad school.  Did I want to go to seminary and pursue a Masters of Divinity or get a Masters of Education from another institution.  Once I made the decision I went for it.  Here I am a year later, one year of internship/classroom experience under my belt, teaching license in hand, degree almost complete (nothing left but the blasted thesis...) and plenty of contacts in the education industry, yet zero desire to be a teacher.  Over the past year I battled with not only writing lesson plans on time and making sure I was prepared for the next day but wondering if I had made the right choice.  I wonder sometimes should I have gone to seminary?  Should I have gone right into ministry?  Should I have kept working in the AV industry in Orlando?

I can't help but wonder why God pulled me towards education only for me to eventually arrive at the conclusion that it's not for me.  It's like I made the decision, started running at 100% towards the goal of an M.Ed. and job as a teacher only to discover I've been running on a treadmill for the last year.  Why?

I know one thing for sure was not a mistake.  I proposed to the love of my life about a year ago and we're getting married in roughly 45 days.  That was, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the right decision.  So for that alone, I do not regret coming up to Tennessee.

My favorite characters in the Bible are Timothy, Jeremiah, Josiah, and David, among others.  Not only were they great men, but they were called to ministry early and succeeded in expanding God's Kingdom or leading them back to righteousness.  The verse "do not let them despise you because you are young" is a constant refrain in the back of my head.

But God has a funny way of reminding me of other characters in the Bible; people like Moses, Abraham, and Zechariah (John the Baptizer's father).  These men were not called to ministry until much later in life.  Heck, Moses had to wait 40 years in the desert watching sheep before even being called to go back to pharaoh.

All of this leads me to the conclusion that maybe running on a treadmill isn't as pointless as it seems. After all, you're still exercising and being prepared for the next chapter where you may be running outside in the real world.  Back to me being a planner, I know that God is also a planner.  If you can even fathom how he crafted a story over nearly two millennia from Moses penning the pentateuch around 1600BC to John writing Revelation around 100AD it doesn't happen by accident or chance.

The frustrating part is that God more often likes to show me his mysterious side than his planner side.  He likes to keep me guessing, wondering, and curious.

This isn't the first time God and I have had this issue.  When I arrived at FCC/JUFL I had my heart set on youth ministry.  But after 3 years and an internship in it, I arrived at the conclusion it wasn't the best fit for me.  I could do it but it wouldn't be the best fit.  So after much prayer and counsel from friends and mentors I set my sights on teaching.  A year later, here we are.  God's a funny guy.

At this point I am applying for AV ministry jobs across the country.  About a month ago I made it to the third round of interviews at a church in Illinois.  I feel certain that God will take care of Shayla and me.  I have no doubt there. 2016 could be as much of an existential crisis as 2014-15 was, but I hope not.  I hope I really have found the best fit to my skills, passions, and gifts.  I hope I can expand the Kingdom wherever I am given the chance to and that the Kingdom can grow in me there as well.  I pray that I can take care of Shayla and a new marriage.  I pray I am not trying to be a Timothy when God wants me to be a Moses.  I pray I don't plan God out of my daily life by structuring too many things and not allowing His Spirit to move.

Nostalgia

So there are very few things I'm nostalgic about.  (btw, here's a definition for nostalgia, I don't think I actually learned what it meant until college... "a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.")  I am nostalgic about my granny's old house in Mississippi, my parent's house in Ft. Lauderdale, the smell of an afternoon rain coming (doesn't happen a lot in TN) to name a few.  Smell is the fastest sense to register a memory.  Before you even realize the memory bubbling up from your brain was triggered by the scent you're in it.  

Anyway, what made me think of this were my headphones.  Why?  Earwax.  Just kidding.  Over the summer (2013) Shayla borrowed my headphones all summer to use at work.  No big deal really, nothing special.  Except Shayla is a trooper and worked outdoor maintenance... in the summer... in Florida.  Naturally the headphones now smell like sunscreen and sweat.  I used to grudgingly hug her whenever she came by my door for lunch or just to say hi.  But now that I pull these headphones out of their little trendy (but handy) apple case they unlock a time capsule of memories.  I was pulling these headphones out at Starbucks, and Shayla, sitting across from me, thinks I'm studying.   But, for a few moments, I am remembering little sweaty Shayla from 18 months ago, smiling, and wanting nothing more than a hug.  Life gets busy, Spring semester is always worse than the Fall... Stop and enjoy some nostalgia from time to time and hey, give a sweaty person a hug.

Alright, back to this school junk.