The Entropy of Love

"I love you" is not a foreign phrase that needs translating, it's not an obscure phrase that needs parsing, it's something children can understand, heck, it's something dogs can probably understand.  But the meaning those three words hold is profound.  The greatest love is "when a man lays down his life for a friend."  We can know love only by first being loved.  Think about that, you would have no idea what love is without your parents, friends, significant others, etc.  It's not something that is spontaneously generated out of nothingness.  We can only know true love by first knowing God's love.  If we don't express love, other people can't know what it is to be loved.  Marriage and family are two of the most fundamental generators of love.  So why do so many marriages that were passionate, exciting, and loving in the beginning fall apart?  Why do so many husbands and wives slowly drift apart and end up alone? (You can remain married and still be alone.)  It is because love is entropic in nature, meaning if it is not maintained it will slowly fall apart and disintegrate.

"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." -1 Jn. 4:10-11

The logical conclusion of being loved is to love others.  You know this, it isn't groundbreaking.  I was talking with a friend the other day and they asked me offhandedly how often Shayla and I say "I love you" to each other.  I thought about it for a bit and said probably somewhere around two dozen times a day.  He was surprised it was that high.  It's not something we really think about anymore, but it's the best short phrase to express a multitude of feelings and thoughts.

I began thinking, is it just a reaction, are they just filler words at this point, do we really mean it every time? So over the course of a couple weeks I thought about it every time I told Shayla I loved her.  Thankfully, I meant it every time, it was the best pithy phrase to express what I was feeling or thinking, and was more appropriate than writing a poem or something at the time.  I think, considering the state of the world, we are very blessed to be in a relationship that expresses this much love.

But just saying "I love you" daily is not enough.  Maybe it's enough for women expressing their love to the man in their life, but it definitely is not enough for most women.  This is not a knock on women, it's how they were designed.  That's why Paul reminds us "Husbands love your wives..." (Eph. 5:25) Through some trial and error and after much confusion, I've learned that Shayla (and truly, most women) have to be reminded of love--frequently.  Going back through old journals, text messages, notes, etc. I've found that Shayla feels most loved through little random things.  A poem, a goofy picture with a mushy caption, spending a little extra time together, a shoulder rub, things that cost me very little but mean the world to her.

Whenever I write her a letter now or buy her a cat yoga calendar (yes... they exist) and she feels all warm and fuzzy I've started telling her "marriage is about finding new ways to say 'I love you.'"  Breaking the monotony, being vulnerable, and most importantly expressing love in any way that it can be received is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship and the force that holds entropic love together.

Find a new way to tell your partner or someone you love them.  Don't let love fail and fall apart, it is a gift from God.

"And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother." -1 Jn. 4:21