The Entropy of Love

"I love you" is not a foreign phrase that needs translating, it's not an obscure phrase that needs parsing, it's something children can understand, heck, it's something dogs can probably understand.  But the meaning those three words hold is profound.  The greatest love is "when a man lays down his life for a friend."  We can know love only by first being loved.  Think about that, you would have no idea what love is without your parents, friends, significant others, etc.  It's not something that is spontaneously generated out of nothingness.  We can only know true love by first knowing God's love.  If we don't express love, other people can't know what it is to be loved.  Marriage and family are two of the most fundamental generators of love.  So why do so many marriages that were passionate, exciting, and loving in the beginning fall apart?  Why do so many husbands and wives slowly drift apart and end up alone? (You can remain married and still be alone.)  It is because love is entropic in nature, meaning if it is not maintained it will slowly fall apart and disintegrate.

"In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." -1 Jn. 4:10-11

The logical conclusion of being loved is to love others.  You know this, it isn't groundbreaking.  I was talking with a friend the other day and they asked me offhandedly how often Shayla and I say "I love you" to each other.  I thought about it for a bit and said probably somewhere around two dozen times a day.  He was surprised it was that high.  It's not something we really think about anymore, but it's the best short phrase to express a multitude of feelings and thoughts.

I began thinking, is it just a reaction, are they just filler words at this point, do we really mean it every time? So over the course of a couple weeks I thought about it every time I told Shayla I loved her.  Thankfully, I meant it every time, it was the best pithy phrase to express what I was feeling or thinking, and was more appropriate than writing a poem or something at the time.  I think, considering the state of the world, we are very blessed to be in a relationship that expresses this much love.

But just saying "I love you" daily is not enough.  Maybe it's enough for women expressing their love to the man in their life, but it definitely is not enough for most women.  This is not a knock on women, it's how they were designed.  That's why Paul reminds us "Husbands love your wives..." (Eph. 5:25) Through some trial and error and after much confusion, I've learned that Shayla (and truly, most women) have to be reminded of love--frequently.  Going back through old journals, text messages, notes, etc. I've found that Shayla feels most loved through little random things.  A poem, a goofy picture with a mushy caption, spending a little extra time together, a shoulder rub, things that cost me very little but mean the world to her.

Whenever I write her a letter now or buy her a cat yoga calendar (yes... they exist) and she feels all warm and fuzzy I've started telling her "marriage is about finding new ways to say 'I love you.'"  Breaking the monotony, being vulnerable, and most importantly expressing love in any way that it can be received is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship and the force that holds entropic love together.

Find a new way to tell your partner or someone you love them.  Don't let love fail and fall apart, it is a gift from God.

"And this commandment we have from him: whoever loves God must also love his brother." -1 Jn. 4:21

What's in a Name?

Shayla and I's wedding day is quickly approaching and we're beyond excited!  One question that I keep asking is, "why are we doing this?"  Not "why are we getting married," I have never questioned that, but "why are we doing this part of the ceremony," "why do we have to do this part of the reception?"  "Is this particular thing an essential part to getting married or a frivolous expectation set by the culture in which we live?"

One of the things that we have evaluated by that question is "why does the bride change her name?"  Is this a cultural expectation that just goes back in history and we've forgotten its purpose?  Is it a display of our misogynistic society?  Is it an androcentric idea?

I was reminded of this when watching TV one afternoon and a couple was arguing about whether or not the bride should change her name.  This commercial has prompted this post, because I think it is something we have forgotten as a culture.  Changing a name is not a demarkation of property, it is a sign of a covenant.  For those of us who still believe marriage is a God given covenant, this is very important.

In order to understand the significance of any covenant we have to understand what a covenant is, and what it is not.  First, what it is:

• Bond or agreement between two people
• One person is primarily responsible for said covenant
• It is usually sealed in blood
• If one party breaks the covenantal agreement, the other party doesn't break it, but rather tries to restore the covenant.

This is different from a contract.  A covenant is not a contract, but our world is very comfortable with contracts, heck, I'm a contract worker for a lot of different jobs.  Here are some properties of a contractual relationship.

• Agreement between two parties
• Both parties are equally responsible
• Sealed by a signature or handshake
• If one breaks the contract the other party is no longer obligated to fulfill their end.

The differences are subtle but a covenant is not a contract.  Let's look at some examples of covenants.

Abraham and circumcision: God establishes Abraham as the father of his people and seals that covenant by male circumcision.  Needless to say, God is primarily responsible for this agreement as he is going to protect them, lead them, and provide for them.  The circumcision is only a mark of this agreement.  If Abraham breaks the agreement how does God handle it?  He doesn't just wipe his hands and walk away... he seeks earnestly to restore the covenant.  And then, there's the blood, when flesh is cut, it produces blood.

Jesus and the crucifixion: When Christ died on the cross, he sealed the new covenant that God has made with believers.  There was no shortage of blood, and God is definitely the one primarily responsible for this relationship. 

Marriage: In the Christian understanding, though the husband and wife are seen as equals, the husband is the one who is held responsible.  In the first marriage, when Adam and Eve sin, God does not call for Eve, even though she sinned first.  He is looking for Adam; why did he allow this to happen?  He was responsible for Eve's mistake as well as his own.  In Ephesians 5 this is outlined by Paul even more, the husband is the head of the wife, not as domineering tyrant, but loving provider.  (Shayla likes to remind me of the quote from My Big Fat Greek Wedding where the wife says "the husband may be the head, but the wife is the neck, she can turn the head any direction she wants.")  This does not mean he is a better person, nor any closer to Jesus, but he is the one responsible for the relationship.  Where is the blood?  There was an 18th and 19th century practice of hanging the bloodied honeymoon sheets outside the bedroom to show that the covenant had been sealed and the marriage consummated...  I'll leave it at that.

But there's one more thing, what's in a name?  Names show who you are, it's your identity, it's how people call you, identify you, and recognize you.  When God makes his covenant with Abram and Sarai he changes their names to Abraham and Sarah.  While God is changing Abram's name from "exalted father" to "father of a multitude" he's also subtly marking his name in Abram's by placing an "h" or "-ah" in it.  God places his name, or the shortened version of it, on Abram and Sarai to make their names AbrAHam and SarAH.  He is showing that he's responsible for them. The one responsible for the covenant gives their name. 

This is one reason why Shayla and I will continue this tradition, in recognition of our covenantal bond to God and each other through our marriage.